Halfway There

Yep, that's what I said. We have reached the halfway point. 20 weeks. Where has all the time gone? It's just amazing that we have reached the halfway point.

Here's our lovely little girl at 20 weeks:

She currently weighs 11 ounces and is about 10 inches tall. Dr. S said we have a very healthy little girl. She is measuring exactly like she should be, all organs are accounted for and seem to be working properly (as much as they can tell at this point), and everything looks just great.

Let's get real for a minute...

In the last month, I feel like I have really been attacked with worry. Which if you know me at all...is where I tend to fall short. I am a worrier. Always have been. Through the first 16 weeks, I was doing great - I rarely gave into worrisome thoughts. Then Will and I went on this amazing trip to South Carolina, where God really began teaching us some AMAZING things that are absolutely changing my life and heart. Will and I really connected with each other in a way that we had been missing for a while. Will calls it alignment. Like we were operating and co-existing. But we weren't necessarily moving in the same direction and if we were, it wasn't too intentional. So we come back from that week filled spiritually and emotionally. Like we were ready to conquer our world.

And then BOOM. Worry shows up. Big time.

I actually went surfing in Pawleys Island, something I have always wanted to do. The waves weren't rough, they were actually just right for a first time surfer. And I totally rode a wave in. On my 4th try. It was glorious. Just amazing and exhilarating.

But then when that worry showed up, I felt remorse and regret for surfing. "What if I hurt my baby?" and "What if that was the most selfish thing I have ever done?" were the thoughts that kept coming to mind. I didn't want to tell anyone that I had gone surfing. Even though it was the most amazing thing. And yeah, maybe the surf lesson wasn't the brightest idea for a pregnant girl. But Will thought it was ok. And I felt ok about it. And I had a dad of 4 as my teacher, who chose the waves and guided me the whole time until I had to step out on my own. But that worry made me feel horrible. And I was so ashamed that I didn't even want to talk to Will about it. For 3 whole weeks.

You know what that is?

That's the voice of the devil himself.

Talking me out of the security, freedom, grace, and covering of Jesus.

Stealing my joy.

Pushing me away from Will after we had grown closer.

Trying to thwart the work of God in my heart.

And so I finally opened up to Will about it a week ago and told him how worried I was. Worried that I had hurt our baby. That I was selfish. That I was stupid for that.

And I really prayed about it. Prayed that God would just speak to me. Reassure me. Even if it was dumb that I surfed. Even if something did go wrong. That he would remind me of his love and grace and mercy.

And gosh, you know what? He did. He did remind me of all those things. Because he is good and he cares. Thanks be to God who daily bears my burden of worry so that I can step into the joy of the life he has called me into.

Walking into the appointment today, I thought "I know our baby is fine. Hattie is fine. And if she's not, God is still good." I could say I was so relieved to see her moving around in there and that the doctor's words really comforted me, which is what my normal, human self would feel. But Jesus in all his power had already relieved me. Already comforted me.

So yeah. That's what this past 4 weeks has been about. Sorry I went so deep on y'all.

That's just some real talk for ya right there.

...

And on a lighter note, being pregnant has been awesome. (I know it's not rainbows and ponies for everyone, so hear me when I say this is just my experience.) Really, I told Will 2 nights ago, that being pregnant has been the most strange and wonderful experience and that I am loving every minute of it. (Except those 3 weeks where I lost sight of joy) What a gift it is to experience carrying a baby. I'm so thankful for each moment of this experience, for what God is teaching me, and for the love I feel for Hattie already.

Y'all are troopers to have read this far. I wish I could hug you just for making it to the end.