Hearing God's Voice

When I was waiting in the OR, as the nurses made their final preparations, and Will was still out in the hall before they brought him back, I was kind of alone in my thoughts. Everyone around me was busy and while they were preparing for my surgery...they really paid no attention to me in the moment. Which was kind of nice. It gave me some space to think and prepare, too.

I just said a simple prayer. "God, will you speak to me? What do you want me to know?" And guys, you know what? He did speak. Maybe not audibly. But what he gave me through the voice of the Holy Spirit was definitely from him.

JEHOVAH JIREH.

So I'm not one of those people that know all the names of God. At all. Like I don't know any of them. But this is the name he gave me. And I asked him what it meant. "God Who Provides." And the end of Psalm 91 kept running through my mind, which is what I had read that morning.

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him. I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation." (v.14-16) 

I clung to that name and those words. When Will came in the OR, I told him that God had given me the name Jehovah Jireh and that I thought it meant God Who Provides. He confirmed that. So we held on to that name together.

And God did provide. A safe delivery. 2 doctors instead of 1, which I totally believe was necessary with the small bump in the road in our delivery. It was silent in the OR in the moments when they couldn't get Liam out, and I truly believe God provided the 2nd doctor for that exact moment.

I felt the most beautiful intimacy with God in those moments in the operating room. I don't think I can even fully describe the magnitude of his presence in those moments. Maybe he's always that present. Maybe I am just distant or distracted most of the time. But, goodness, that closeness and radiance...it was incredible.

...

So yesterday I was sitting down for the first time in a month to read my bible and reflect on life in this stage. I started out writing about what I was thankful for. First, Will, the gift of a loving and caring husband who provides for us. Second, Hattie, my gift of joy and radiance. Third, sweet little Liam, my precious baby.

And then I was reflecting on that experience in the operating room. God's presence revealed so clearly. And I came away with this...

That his presence is the real gift. To know God and hear his voice. To know that he is near. That without his presence, nothing is good, nothing is worth anything at all. His presence brings meaning and life and joy. That's the gift.