Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't tell you that for birthday wishes or facebook posts. There's a bigger story being woven through my life and it's coming together through a birthday on Easter. It goes like this...
In 2005, I was a freshman in college. Before Easter, I had decided I wasn't returning to this university and I had no idea where I was heading. I was lonely. And tired. Really, I was spiritually empty. I wasn't going to church anywhere, because I was apathetic and jaded. I was raised in church, loved church, and then just fell away. I was dating Will, we'd been together for about a year. We weren't in a good place...I was needy and clingy and resentful and searching for something. I was trying to fill a void, and I was expecting him to fill it by being my constant companion, my source of love. And it wasn't working. We kept dating and somehow made it through some rough years.
Anyways, my 19th birthday fell on Easter Sunday. It was at the end of our Spring Break, and I hadn't gotten to go on a mission trip that I had fundraised and packed for because of a last minute medical situation. To say I was angry and bitter is an understatement. So Easter Sunday, I woke up at home with my family, went to church with my family, hung out all day with my family. AND NO ONE KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. ALL DAY LONG. I remember moving back into the dorm and calling my mom and telling her it was my birthday and that not one of them had remembered and I said so many things that I would later regret. Something along the lines of "this was literally the day I was born, and not literally the day Jesus rose." Yeah. I regret that one.
At 19...I was self-absorbed, bitter, lonely, spiritually empty, and lashing out at everyone.
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Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. And it also happens to be my 30th birthday. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was originally so ticked about another Easter birthday, especially a big birthday like 30.
But here's the beauty, the grace, the kindness, and the transforming love of Christ in my life...I feel honored and elated that my birthday is all tied up in the day of resurrection and joy and life tomorrow.
At 29, I was baptized and stepped out in faith and obedience. And it's been this crazy, beautiful whirlwind of learning to hear and listen, to follow and obey, and to trust and rejoice! God has been changing me from the inside...giving me joy, pressing into my heart in all his compassionate ways, and shaping me to be who I was created to be. All that I say with confidence because I know that my human self is like that bitter and lonely 19 year old girl.
But the power of the Gospel is this...that Jesus in all his glory stepped down into my broken life and called me "Beloved," and his blood flowed to cover all my foolish rebellion and bring me into kingdom life with him forever.
I am no longer broken and bitter and lonely. Last year, on April 8th, he called me out of my grave and into a life free from guilt and shame. I cast off the shackles, I reject the grave clothes.
I am free. I am alive. I am covered. I am Beloved.
So tomorrow, as I turn 30 and celebrate all the years I've been given thus far, I am really honored to celebrate the life of Christ, the life of the glorious, wondrous Jesus who has given me this life. Who has spared my life, paid for my life, created my life, and breathed beauty and wonder into my life.
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Also, if you have felt the weight of guilt and shame, and you've been baptized or saved or whatever, you can still start again. You can be refreshed and renewed and reclaimed. If you'd like to talk to someone (ME) who understands, shoot me an email at caityshinnick (at) gmail (dot) com. I'd love to share my story or hear your story.
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