Be Free

Intro: When I was 12, I was baptized. I knew about Jesus and that he loved me. But the louder message I heard was that I was guilty. That I had sinned against God and that I couldn't pay for what I had done. That I needed him to save me. So I was baptized, motivated by fear and guilt and shame. And from there, I grew into my relationship. I learned about a loving God who was more like a Father than an angry celestial figure. I experienced the friendship and kindness of Jesus, as a friend, and also a fierce and loyal king. I learned to hear from the Holy Spirit, to trust the voice that gave me direction and vision. But somewhere, all along, in every moment, in all seasons, I felt guilty. Like I couldn't do enough, couldn't be enough.

Ok, so now to the present times.

My life is good. Better than good, actually. It's so full and rich, sweet and fun. I've got precious kids. And an incredibly loving and handsome husband. And so much extended family. And some pretty darn amazing and godly friends.

Don't get me wrong, there are hard days, too. And tears. And lonely times. And stressful seasons.

Somewhere in the midst of all this wonderful stuff and hard stuff, I became chained down. I stopped reveling in the joy that God has given me, and I started carrying my own burden. I seriously have shoulder pain from the stress of life that came with doing everything on my own, never asking for help, and just keeping my head down and trudging along through each day. I accepted the chains and lost sight of the love and joy and freedom. I don't know if I was even aware of it.

On Easter Sunday, we proclaim the tomb is empty. Jesus is alive. But even in the midst of the best news ever, I am entrapped by guilt and fear and worry and shame. This year, on Easter, I heard these sweet words from Jesus, our risen king, "Reach out. Touch my hands. See my wounds. Walk with me. Know me. Be with me."

On Wednesday night, at the Ryman, our church had a worship, prayer, and baptism service. I got there early, helped set up the baptistry, set out clothes for people to be baptized in, and prepared for the worship gathering that would take place that evening. Worship was amazing, people started responding and getting baptized, and God was truly in our midst.

Then towards the very end, after I had seen dozens baptized, after I had worshipped and prayed, after I thought it was a good and moving and beautiful night...

I heard Jesus speak to me. Crystal clear. Straight to my heart, like an arrow piercing me, straight to my core.

"You are living like you have one foot in the grave. Like you are half alive. Like you aren't really free. Get up. Get out of the grave. Follow me."

What I heard in that moment had nothing to do with guilt, nothing to do with shame. I heard a call of love, a voice soaked with grace, a friend calling to me to get up and come on.

I then seriously asked in my head, "Am I getting baptized?!" And what I heard was a clear and resounding yes!

I slipped backstage, ran into a friend, told her I wanted Will to baptize me, and within minutes I was walking out on the Ryman's stage with some of my best friends and Will.

What I write here is as much for me to remember the beauty and freedom as it is for you to read.

I got in the water. Will spoke to me for a minute or two. I was trembling with joy, with emotion, with love. It's not Will's words I remember most. It's those loving, kind, grace soaked words from a loving, kind, grace soaked Savior. Will baptized me. I went down in the water. I felt the cool water wash over my face, and I felt the love of my creator bring me to life and wash me new.

I hope I always remember that moment. That moment when the white stage lights lit up the water and through my closed eyes I saw the brilliant light of life springing forth.

What I hope for you, for myself, for all of us...that we will live like we are free. Like we have been covered by the grace of Jesus. I have nothing to pay for, because Jesus has paid for everything. I don't have to do anything, because Jesus has done everything.